outlook on life

Today, I teman-ed Ayah to Gopeng for the day. And for the first time, I drove the gigantore Estima on the highway!!! Big deal for someone who only drives the Swifts and MyVi at home. Pfffttt and from that experience, suffice to say that I ain't a big fan of gigantore cars. My neck hurts after those hours of driving just because I'm constantly worried that I'll be too fast or too slow or what if I braked the car too hard or something.

ehsan Google

Oh well.

But my dad being my dad, he likes to tell stories. Ayah might seem very reserved and serious being a businessman and all, but he's actually a talkative and friendly person. Along the way Ayah told me stories on how he survived his "downfall" days and built himself and his company up. How he struggled dealing with the harsh and cruel world out there and how badly people treated him. How determined he was in building a life for him and his family. He is, thus far, the strongest man that I've ever met (like I've met anyone else, haha).

And from that I realised that I do have some similarities to my dad. Outspoken? Check. Hardcore? Check. Ambitious? Check.

Point is, from this short trip that I had with Ayah, I can sum this up within one day.

In life, you will never ever be able to make every one happy. Never. Truth be told, I spent 10 years of my life trying to be nice to every one. Trying to not make anyone upset with me. I tried my absolute hardest to be likeable, until I abandoned my own normal mental growth. 

There will always be people who will betray you, backstab you, try to take you down and make you take the fall or the blame. Life is a give and take situation. If you are not happy with someone or something, tell them nicely, not attack them viciously without any proof. 

If you are genuinely sincere about helping others, Allah will help you back. It might not be immediately, but it will happen eventually. Ayah was not one of those people who wanted to take credit or in this case, "commission" on contracts. He genuinely wanted to help other people build their businesses when he had none. And when he was falling, other people came to lend a helping hand. So screw people who have been cruel and not nice to you. If they need your help, just help. 

People will make mistakes, always. People might not make you happy once in a while. People might upset you. But you have to know that these people, who have been stuck with you since day one, are the ones who will be there for you when you're drowning, gasping for air. These are the ones who will be there to visit your grave and recite doa's for you. These people are the ones who will cry when you're out of this world. These people, are your family.

No matter how much Ayah struggled, he had his family. This "downfall" that my dad had, was about 10 years ago. We had to move from the bungalow that we lived in and rented a terrace house instead. All I could remember was Ayah kept on telling me, "sekejap je, sementara nak tunggu rumah kita siap". I thought it was no big deal (since I was only 12), but if I put myself in Ayah's shoes, I'd crack and give up on life. Pity.

But 10 years later, here we are, living an (Alhamdulillah) comfortable life, with no financial hardships, being able to survive on this world, and knowing that Ayah has provided a substantial amount of money for his children.

I'm proud to say that at 22 years old, my parents are my BFF's. ♥

really, what is holding you back?

Within a month's time, we'll be pursuing Ramadhan, the holy month. Most of us, at this part of the year will definitely have our own spiritual goals that we'd like to accomplish.

If some wish to khatam the Qur'an, I want more than that. Figuratively speaking, I recite the Qur'an every day now, unless I'm having one of those extremely lazy days. I'm not boasting the fact that I do recite the Qur'an every day here, I'm simply implicating that I want more than that.

My soul feels empty, I feel like my level of imaan is stagnant and it is not improving. Allah loves those who struggle to become a better person, but not those who are comfortable at the level they are at. I choose to believe that Allah will bless us for our actions, and the trials and tribulations that we have to go through in order to achieve that new level of imaan.

And so the question remains, "WHAT IS HOLDING YOU BACK?"

For me, I'm in this constant struggle to cover my aurah properly, to be a good Muslim, a good daughter, a good friend, a good sister, and a good person, inside and out. I struggle to make everyone happy and not hurt their feelings when in fact, I always will. I think unconsciously, every one has their own inner stress that they have to deal with and it is a matter of whether that stress level is big or small. I struggle with my prayers, my solat times, my khusyuk in solat. The basics.

And as for that fact, you have to really determine what holds you back from the changes you want to make to yourself. And get rid of those set backs, just go and do it.

I'm slowly learning the importance of my religion to my soul, to my inner happiness. I wish to have a more clear mind and clear heart, a soul that reflects my image as a Muslim, and a brain that is equipped with knowledge that will bring me closer to Him.

8th of June 2013

I think MakLang chose this date in particular because it was Opah's birthday. 8th of June 2013, the day when Opah turned 68, my baby cousin Maryam turned 3, and my brother Awad's 20th birthday. And also, the date when my cousin Alia tied the knot to her love Aizu.

The ceremony was held at night, and us the Perak clan all donned ourselves in pink.

Gambar curi from Makteh lol.

Surprise birthday cake!

Princess Maryam who is in her diva toddler stage, she literally screams at everything. And together with Abang Rohimi they couldn't sit still throughout the ceremony. Habis bunga ditumbangkannya. Haha. I also made the conclusion that I'm not good with kids. *eeep*

All in all it was a good ceremony, although there were some downturns I am happy that MakLang and PakLang can now go to The Loaf again and have breakfast there. Haha. And congratulations to Alia and Aizu, may your marriage last till Jannah insyaAllah!

And in 6 months, it will be the lady on the right's turn. Which means Mama and I will start panicking, not much time left as we'll be entering Ramadhan soon which means things will slow down for a whole month. I'll try to help out as much as possible, since I only have two hands and two feet, and very limited time. 

InsyaAllah, all will go well this December. 

my break so far

How time passes by, without realising it it has been almost 2 months since my last days as a diploma student (insyaAllah). I've been pretty much pre-occupied with things from studying for my supplementary paper to assisting Mama in handling kakak's wedding to helping Ayah at the office.

Final night before the supplementary exam the next morning.

The drive up to Tapah. Exam was at 9am, left home at around 6.15 am. Managed to witness such a beautiful sunrise. 

A million thanks to those who assisted me in studying for the exam. From my parents who gave me endless moral support to my classmates, close friends and juniors who lend a hand when I needed them in the very last minute - Nina for tutoring me, Zul for coming over and ummm, forcing me to study? And Bella who practically answered my questions via Whatsapp. Also my close friends and classmates who kept cheering me on since day one of post-results to the day of the exam itself. Only at that moment and at that time did I realise I have so many people to lean on in times of hardships. May Allah bless each and every one of you. ♥

Post-exams, operation wedding kakak was ON. We started with price survey-ing for wedding cards, etc etc. First accomplishment so far is we managed to shop for half of the fabrics needed for the wedding.

Mama and Ayah busy choosing the colour scheme, Opah who also followed us and gave opinions.

I also managed to meet up with Izzati aka Ty, whom I haven't seen in years. I guess when you grow older this is what happens, no? You see your friends less and you invest more time in building your future.

So I guess that's it for now, I'm trying to savour my book-free days before I enrol myself in university again this early July (insyaAllah). Looks like my plan to spend the Ramadhan without books have to be cancelled. 

Will update soon. Till then, Assalamualaikum. 

;)

no manners

No offence if you're a government servant. I just find it highly odd as to why people who work in universities or any other government-related institutions have to have this sort of thing called "politics". This is what happened to me last night. 

I came back to UiTM quite late (after curfew hours) only to find that at the guard house, my friend and I were told that we're not allowed to enter the campus. This is sort of how our conversation went:

Guard: Siapa pemilik kenderaan ni?

Me: Saya.

Guard: En B* tak bagi kamu dan kawan kamu masuk. Sebab tempoh kamu dah habis. Sepatutnya kamu keluar pukul 4 tadi.

Me: Eh? Tapi saya ingat saya bayar untuk sewa bilik sampai esok. Untuk 3 hari. Kira standard hotel procedure is supposed to be 3 malam la. Malam ni malam ketiga saya. (Mind me, I always speak Malaylish)

Guard: Abang tak tau dik, abang cuma ikut arahan dari En B* je. Abang tak boleh buat apa. Kalau abang bagi kamu masuk abang yang kena nanti.

Me: Habis tu macamana sekarang ni bang?

Guard: Cuba kamu telefon En B*.

Me: Hello, Assalamualaikum. En B* skrg mcmana ni En B* bukan ke patutnya malam ni saya boleh masuk? Sebab ikut pemahaman saya, saya bayar untuk 3 hari so saya boleh masuk lah kan.

And then we argued blablabla and he lost. Bila takde point, he went to the curfew issue.

B*: Kau patut keluar pukul 4 tadi. Kenapa kau ada lagi kat sini. Kau buat apa keluar tu? Ini aku tak suka bagi budak-budak luar duduk dalam ni. Suka buat undang-undang sendiri. Kau ingat ni hotel nak keluar masuk sesuka hati kau?

Me: En B*, apa saya buat dekat luar urusan saya. Sekarang ni saya dah bayar 3 hari dan mengikut pemahaman saya, malam ni malam last. Esok baru saya keluar. So macamana sekarang ni? En B* nak bagi saya masuk ke tak? 

B*: Ok, takpe. Kau masuk. Esok kau datang jumpa aku, pastu aku bawak kau jumpa Dr P* (penolong rektor, highest authority in the campus).

Me: Ha, ok. (with a pissed tone).

Throughout my conversation with En B*, he was very arrogant and rude. I don't think a student-staff conversation should use the "Aku Kau" terms and that you shouldn't instantly tell the guards outside to just block you out of the campus. If he was smart enough he would tell the guards, to tell us to go see him tomorrow as we have exceeded our stay. 

Tapi kenapa kecoh sangat sampai nak block kita dari masuk? When he didn't have a point to attack me, he used the curfew reasoning. But the curfew thing has been violated by almost ALL students since UiTM Tapah opened and why does HE want to bring up the issue now?

I've always heard bad stories about this En B* and how rude he is with the students. I never believed all that till last night. For the past 2.5 years I had nothing but respect for him. But all that went down the drain when I realised I had to deal with a 50-something not so smart government servant who just wants to show that he's the boss. That he has the power and we should not step on him or the law.

It turned out that En B* initially started as a worker at the cafeteria in UiTM Shah Alam. And then he got promoted or something and worked in the college department. But he got fired from UiTM Shah Alam as he was problematique with the students, thus the students made a petition against him. In the end he got sent and thrown in Tapah. 

I've always been firm on my stand. And throughout our conversation, I was never afraid to speak my mind and say what I believe is true. Although he is much much older than me, probably the same age as my dad, but comparing him to my beloved father, he is in NO WAY close to as good as an educated man. 

And the next day when I went to see him, he was not around. So I spoke to his assistant who was actually well-mannered and spoke in a good tone. He listened to our part of the story and he agreed that maybe there was a misunderstanding there. The same goes to Dr P*. She heard our story well but despite all that she could not allow us to stay in Tapah anymore as the rules initially stated that outsiders aren't allowed to stay inside.

Point is, if we weren't allowed to stay inside, why allow us in the first place? We followed all the procedures given and we had no intention of breaking any rules. 

This is what happens when you're stuck in a government university. I dont know about other unis but UiTM is the worst. And I'll avoid, at all costs, of continuing my studies there. They like to turn small petty things into such a big deal.

For example, my story. A small misunderstanding that costed RM7.50 per night turned into such a huge idiotic ruckus.